Sixth Sense

As I tried on the fifth outfit that morning I had a suspicion she would see right through it. No matter what I wore, it wouldn’t be good enough.

Nothing is good enough in her eyes.

I settled on the jeans and a khaki lace top and straightened my hair. I applied the lipstick because she always says “you look sick without lipstick”. I got in the car and he drove us there while I mentally prepared myself for the judgment that would come.

We stopped and bought a dozen roses for my brother to give my Mom for Mother’s Day. He’s never prepared and honestly doesn’t have the money to buy her anything anyways. It would make him feel good to give her something for a change and it would be a sweet surprise for her that he actually thought of her and purchased something on his own. It would be our little secret.

I had bought her some coconut cashews since she loves coconut and some make up as well as cash in her Mother’s Day card. I’ve learned to not give her clothing, trinkets, etc. as she complains or doesn’t like them.

She seemed happy to see us and the conversation was upbeat at lunch. We reminisced over our childhood and of course the happier times. We hugged exchanged our I love You’s and began our two hour drive back to Atlanta.

The next morning I read her email…..

“I can’t believe how you’ve let yourself go and how big you have gotten. I’m worried you’re going to have a stroke, heart attack or get diabetes. Have you seen how much weight Adele has lost? I guess no one will tell you that you look like her anymore. You’ve got to do something about your weight, it’s out of control. I really didn’t care for those cashews. They’re way too sweet for me. If I ate those I would probably wind up looking like you LOL” Along with that e mail she sent several articles about strokes, heart attacks and diabetes.

For the first time in my 48 years I cried over my weight. I still can’t believe I actually shed a tear over it.

I’m not posting this for anyone to pity me or to get reassurance. I’m not trying to play victim here either. I’m posting this as a journal of sorts for myself. I also want to post it in case it helps someone else.

My christian mother is body shaming me…..I’ve struggled with my weight since I was probably 23 years old. My Mom has reminded me of it for 25 years. Not once has anyone else in my life ever commented about my weight.

I modeled when I was 17 up until I was probably 22 years old. I was thin and my metabolism was on point. My Dad’s side of the family are tall and 90% of them are overweight. Some have had the gastric bypass surgery as well. Although they lost a tremendous amount of weight, years later they gained it back. It’s a struggle, a real struggle for us. We’re larger people and love to eat. Our social gatherings are food related and we all love to cook as well.

My Mom’s side of the family are average height and small framed. I wish I took after that side of the family but I take after my Dad’s side. My Mom and brother are slim and look normal. I’m tall and overweight. No matter if I exercise and eat healthy I will never be thin, slim, trim or fit it feels like.

I just can’t understand why my Mom has to insult me or belittle me the way that she does. I thought being a Christian was not judging others. Shaking my head. Does she not think before she fires off an e mail like that? She says she does it out of love and because she cares. I do believe she loves me and cares about me and wants me to be healthy but there has to be a better way right?

Some people would probably instantly go on a diet or join a gym to lose the weight because of that e mail but it just depressed me, hurt me and made me angry. Actually, it made me HANGRY. You see, when I’m stressed, annoyed, angry or depressed I eat the emotions. What do I eat? Horrible things like chips, candy, fries, and the list goes on. The only time I don’t want that kind of food is when I’m preoccupied or happy. This week I’ve not been any of those things.

If you were to ask any of my friends one word to describe me, the first word they would probably say would be confident. I haven’t felt confident since reading that fucking e mail.

Did I respond to her e mail? Yes. I attempted to defend myself and expressed how hurtful it was but she then sent another e mail telling me how much she cares and that’s why she sent it and how she didn’t mean to upset me. Well, it did upset me. Sigh….

What’s going to happen now? I have no idea. I’ve not called or responded to that last e mail from her. I just don’t have anything else to say. I could pick out things she needs to change in her life to be healthier or tell her things that would hurt her like how she has a mustache and needs to wax it but that’s just not who I am. I honestly believe she sees my Dad in me. When she looks at my face and my body and thinks about my personality I’m positive she sees my Dad. I am so much like my Dad, (the good stuff anyways). She’s not a fan of him at all.

All I can do is be my best self. Beauty isn’t always thin and fit. I have a beautiful mind, heart and soul. And THAT is enough for me.

Southside Chronicles – Part II

If you missed Part I, https://lennonliberated.com/2020/04/24/southside-chronicles-part-i/

Guests were sprinting from their cars with umbrellas in hand to the front doors of the church. Thunder rolling loudly as the windows rattling dominating the church bells ringing. Large dark eerie clouds were moving in slow motion in the sky.

Joey tightened his tie admiringly in the make shift dressing room while his groomsmen played poker drinking whiskey neat. He couldn’t help but reminisce in his mind of the first time he saw her. Her legs went up to that beautiful chin. He was hoping she would notice him looking at her. She continued walking with her head down as if she had been scolded. His heart was beating rapidly, licking his lips he began sweating profusely as he deliberately walked right into her. The heavy books dropped to the floor scattering as people stepped over them as they continued walking to their classes.

He apologized as he lowered himself to the floor hoping that she would make eye contact with him but instead she dipped down without even looking at him. She rushed grabbing the books as her eyelashes flickered.

Clearing his throat while handing her a book, “I’m really sorry. Maybe I could take you out for a milkshake some time to make up for my clumsiness?”

It seemed like hours before her piercing ocean blue eyes finally met his. She blinked a few times and looked back down at the floor shaking as she grabbed the last book. He gently touched her elbow to help her up as a gentleman should. Glaring at him with those eyes he repeated “Can I take you out for a milkshake some time?” Her high cheek bones were flushed.

“I thought you were dating my sister?”

To be continued…..

Southside Chronicles Part I

This will be a series that I’ll attempt to post each week. Thanks in advance for stopping by and reading the series.

He would’ve never gotten away with it today. Nope. Not in this era.

But in the 60’s & 70’s things were rampant.

It was 1969 and he had just been promoted to Assistant Store Manager at a large grocery chain. With his black horn rimmed glasses, full lips, fair milky white complexion and the clean cut side swiped slicked blonde hair wearing his button up sweater he was quite dreamy. His walk went from casual white guy to a George Jefferson type of glide.

He had been courting a beautifully gentle, pure virgin for six months. Every time they went to the drive-in he pushed the boundaries to see how far he could go. She expressed she was saving herself for marriage more than once. But, he had her right where he wanted her.

She felt caged and trapped in her parents home. Her parents were stern and cult-ish. So much so, that she would cry on his shoulder and explain in tears that she felt she would never escape their grip.

He was going to buy that engagement ring and propose as soon as he got that first paycheck since his promotion.

Ahem, Um NO. If you’re thinking “Awe…..he’s her hero” it’s not that kind of story at all.

As he was looking at the engagement rings on display in the Service Merchandise store. The tall sexy well endowed redhead asked if she could make a suggestion.

“No, just show me the cheapest one you got. She’ll be lucky to get one from me. But, I tell ya what, if you want to earn the sell, we can walk out to my car and you can work for it.”

He purchased the tiniest and cheapest diamond engagement ring they had in stock. In her short pale pink dress with white cuffs and a huge white collar she looked so innocent and demure. He proposed on one knee at the Lock & Dam that Saturday afternoon as she sat on the hood of his white convertible MGB.

Lock & Dam – Augusta, Ga. (Photo Cred: Pinterest)

“Yes! Of course I’ll marry you!” As tears slid down her cheeks he knew he had her wrapped around his finger. Now he could relax and “take” her along with having someone to cook, iron, suck his cock, have babies and take care of him the rest of his life.

As he drove her home that night she couldn’t help but smile as she adjusted the large white bow in her hair and applied powder to her soaked cheeks. He could provide her a different life. A much happier life. He was so handsome, charming, considerate and a complete southern gentleman. He was her savior. In her eyes.

To be continued……

Enough

No matter our race, gender, sexual orientation, age, etc. we’re all human and I think we have moments where we see what we’re NOT. We can’t see who we really are and APPRECIATE ourselves for the stains, weaknesses, failures, imperfections that block our fucking vision. Too often we think we’re not enough. Why can’t we accept those imperfections and grasp our positive attributes? I’m so guilty of this. Most people see me as being confident but I have insecurities and a long list of shortcomings. I have to constantly remind myself that I am uniquely enough.

But sometimes trying to persuade myself just isn’t enough. When I can’t get through to myself and I’m thinking negative things about myself I listen to positive bad ass songs that bring me up. We forget how much music can adjust our attitudes. If we would just listen to music that triggers our vibe, it might just improve our moods. I’m aware this might not work at times. It’s just a suggestion. Just sharing what works for me at times.

Today I heard this song for the first time and it really restored my mindset for the day and thought I would share it. I hope you really listen and let it resonate. We all need affirmation that we are enough.

Have a great Thursday Loves XO