Sixth Sense

As I tried on the fifth outfit that morning I had a suspicion she would see right through it. No matter what I wore, it wouldn’t be good enough.

Nothing is good enough in her eyes.

I settled on the jeans and a khaki lace top and straightened my hair. I applied the lipstick because she always says “you look sick without lipstick”. I got in the car and he drove us there while I mentally prepared myself for the judgment that would come.

We stopped and bought a dozen roses for my brother to give my Mom for Mother’s Day. He’s never prepared and honestly doesn’t have the money to buy her anything anyways. It would make him feel good to give her something for a change and it would be a sweet surprise for her that he actually thought of her and purchased something on his own. It would be our little secret.

I had bought her some coconut cashews since she loves coconut and some make up as well as cash in her Mother’s Day card. I’ve learned to not give her clothing, trinkets, etc. as she complains or doesn’t like them.

She seemed happy to see us and the conversation was upbeat at lunch. We reminisced over our childhood and of course the happier times. We hugged exchanged our I love You’s and began our two hour drive back to Atlanta.

The next morning I read her email…..

“I can’t believe how you’ve let yourself go and how big you have gotten. I’m worried you’re going to have a stroke, heart attack or get diabetes. Have you seen how much weight Adele has lost? I guess no one will tell you that you look like her anymore. You’ve got to do something about your weight, it’s out of control. I really didn’t care for those cashews. They’re way too sweet for me. If I ate those I would probably wind up looking like you LOL” Along with that e mail she sent several articles about strokes, heart attacks and diabetes.

For the first time in my 48 years I cried over my weight. I still can’t believe I actually shed a tear over it.

I’m not posting this for anyone to pity me or to get reassurance. I’m not trying to play victim here either. I’m posting this as a journal of sorts for myself. I also want to post it in case it helps someone else.

My christian mother is body shaming me…..I’ve struggled with my weight since I was probably 23 years old. My Mom has reminded me of it for 25 years. Not once has anyone else in my life ever commented about my weight.

I modeled when I was 17 up until I was probably 22 years old. I was thin and my metabolism was on point. My Dad’s side of the family are tall and 90% of them are overweight. Some have had the gastric bypass surgery as well. Although they lost a tremendous amount of weight, years later they gained it back. It’s a struggle, a real struggle for us. We’re larger people and love to eat. Our social gatherings are food related and we all love to cook as well.

My Mom’s side of the family are average height and small framed. I wish I took after that side of the family but I take after my Dad’s side. My Mom and brother are slim and look normal. I’m tall and overweight. No matter if I exercise and eat healthy I will never be thin, slim, trim or fit it feels like.

I just can’t understand why my Mom has to insult me or belittle me the way that she does. I thought being a Christian was not judging others. Shaking my head. Does she not think before she fires off an e mail like that? She says she does it out of love and because she cares. I do believe she loves me and cares about me and wants me to be healthy but there has to be a better way right?

Some people would probably instantly go on a diet or join a gym to lose the weight because of that e mail but it just depressed me, hurt me and made me angry. Actually, it made me HANGRY. You see, when I’m stressed, annoyed, angry or depressed I eat the emotions. What do I eat? Horrible things like chips, candy, fries, and the list goes on. The only time I don’t want that kind of food is when I’m preoccupied or happy. This week I’ve not been any of those things.

If you were to ask any of my friends one word to describe me, the first word they would probably say would be confident. I haven’t felt confident since reading that fucking e mail.

Did I respond to her e mail? Yes. I attempted to defend myself and expressed how hurtful it was but she then sent another e mail telling me how much she cares and that’s why she sent it and how she didn’t mean to upset me. Well, it did upset me. Sigh….

What’s going to happen now? I have no idea. I’ve not called or responded to that last e mail from her. I just don’t have anything else to say. I could pick out things she needs to change in her life to be healthier or tell her things that would hurt her like how she has a mustache and needs to wax it but that’s just not who I am. I honestly believe she sees my Dad in me. When she looks at my face and my body and thinks about my personality I’m positive she sees my Dad. I am so much like my Dad, (the good stuff anyways). She’s not a fan of him at all.

All I can do is be my best self. Beauty isn’t always thin and fit. I have a beautiful mind, heart and soul. And THAT is enough for me.

Published by lennonliberated

The "About" me section is the first thing I look for when a blog catches my eye when scrolling through the discovery section of WP. Yet, it scares the living fuck out of me to have to sum up in detail this section of my very own blog. Why? Because whatever I write, you might be hooked or bored to tears. Actually, you're probably already bored to tears by now. So let me get to it then..... By the way, I used to have a blog called Fabulous With Glitches so some of this might sound familiar. Friends might describe me as the life of the party yet secretive. I tend to keep things inside that trouble me. I've been self-reliant all of my life and I don't like to show weakness or that something worries me. Holding back has led me to seek refuge here. I can write out my thoughts and feelings so that it frees up my mind. It seems like my mind is open 24/7 like a gas station and just never turns off the open sign. I grew up in the south and come from the typical opinionated southern christian parents. Well, they're very involved now in church. Growing up, my parents weren't necessarily "present" in my life. They were around and did the best they could I suppose. I'm grateful for everything they have contributed in my life. I know that it could've been much worse. As they say, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't grow up the way that I did. Gritty is a good word to describe me as well. I've had to speak up and defend myself throughout my life. I'm confident and a bit headstrong. I have two cats and I adore them needless to say. Their names are Franklin and Farrah. Yes, I consider myself a crazy cat lady, what's it to ya? You will see pictures of them throughout my blog I'm sure :) Welcome and thank you so much for stopping by and peaking into my safe place full of random thoughts. XO

9 thoughts on “Sixth Sense

  1. I’ve found that most folks who proclaim themselves religious or Christians or whatever, rarely walk the walk. It’s mostly talk, as long as it suits their needs. Hypocrisy at its finest. Don’t sweat it, man. You’re beautiful, and don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.

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  2. This breaks my heart. But you already know that. I hope you know that this is a lot more about her than about you. You’re my beautiful best friend and anyone who doesn’t think you’re beautiful, too, can suck it. 🙂 ♥

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  3. I would be very upset. Its just as unhealthy to have mental health and confidence issues. So pointing out apparent flaws is wrong. Advise can be given and needs to be constructive. If she has fears for your health then she needs to encourage and support.

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